


Make Me A Match

by Reioka



Series: Reioka's Tumblr Prompts [16]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bad Matchmaking, Humor, M/M, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 05:41:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11525712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reioka/pseuds/Reioka
Summary: Natasha only ever wanted her friends to be happy. Steve and Tony would be so good together. She doesn't need fucking Bucky Barnes coming along and ruining everything.





	Make Me A Match

**Author's Note:**

> A prompt from my Tumblr. The prompt was: I’ve got another prompt for you, if you’d like! So, Tony and Steve are in a relationship pre-Winter Soldier, but keep it a secret and the Avengers think they’re pining. Cue Bucky showing up and flirting with them, them getting to know each other (again, for Steve) and them getting together, again keeping it secret. But the team thinks he’s trying to steal one or the other and do everything they can to keep him away while trying to match-make Tony and Steve. All three of them find it hilarious.
> 
> So I’m going to write this from Natasha’s point of view because she’s the embodiment of that “I just *clenches fist* really love my friends” post and she just wants these idiots to be happy.

Make Me A Match

 

Natasha sighed and leaned her cheek on her hand as she watched Tony and Steve flirt. Tony was as suave as ever, and Steve—blushed and broke a plate in half. She rolled her eyes and sighed again as the blond fled the kitchen in embarrassment. Tony, looking guilty, scuttled after him.

 

She got up and grabbed the toast he had left behind. “What if I just locked them in a closet together?” She sat down to spread almond butter on the first piece, honey on the second, then made a sandwich of the two pieces.

 

“Steve would probably combust,” Bruce replied, not looking up from his crossword puzzle. “Or Tony would, from frustration.”

 

“Why are my friends so stupid?!” Natasha burst out, spraying crumbs across the table.

 

Clint brushed the crumbs away from his bowl of cereal. “Hey, I’m with you on this one. If they’d just get their heads out of their asses and kiss each other, things would roll a lot smoother around here.”

 

Natasha glared down at her toast. “…Hey, Bruce?”

 

“I’m not ready to date,” he answered immediately.

 

“Why won’t you let me set you up on just one date!?”

 

Bruce finally looked up at her, scowling. “Because the last time I went on a date, the girl asked me about the Hulk’s dick.”

 

Clint choked on his cereal.

 

“I’ll just find you someone who knows how to mind their own business,” Natasha began.

 

“NO,” Bruce said immediately.

 

If Natasha wasn’t as stoic as she was, she would have pouted.

 

.-.-.-.

 

Barnes returned. Natasha almost stabbed him. Instead, she just punched him and gave herself two broken fingers and a hairline fracture in her hand. Boxer’s fractures. She was ashamed to have been caught so off-guard.

 

“Is this because of your childhood, because he startled you, or because you hate him?” Bruce asked as he finished splinting her fingers. “Try not to use this hand too much.”

 

Natasha scowled at her hand. “The first thing he did was flirt with Tony right in front of Steve.”

 

The doctor sighed. “Natasha…”

 

“I won’t have him ruin a good thing. Tony and Steve would be so good together. And now Barnes is coming in and flirting and _ruining everything._ ”

 

“Has it ever occurred to you that Steve and Tony are adults who can make their own decisions?” Bruce asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

Natasha stared at him for a long moment. She decided to ignore the question. “There’s this nice girl in accounting who knows how to mind her own business.”

 

“NO,” he said, and waved her out of his lab.

 

.-.-.-.

 

Natasha scowled as Barnes sat down between Tony and Steve. He threw his arm around Steve’s shoulders. Tony looked dismayed for a fraction of a second.

 

So she stole him, tugging him into the armchair with her and snuggling him aggressively. Tony made a happy sound as she wrapped around him. She shot Steve and Barnes a smug glare. Now _they_ looked dismayed.

 

Tony looked quite happy in her arms. Natasha allowed herself to actually show her sneer at the idiots on the couch.

 

“What about Carmine over in biotech?” Clint asked.

 

Natasha tilted her head. “…She _is_ very open-minded.”

 

“No,” Bruce said, carrying popcorn into the room.

 

“Are we finding a date for Bruce?” Tony asked, brightening. “Pepper thinks you’re cute, Brucie!”

 

Bruce flushed and somehow managed to glare down the entire room. “NO!”

 

Natasha turned her attention from Bruce to the now-pouting Tony, because if he was suggesting Bruce date Pepper, maybe he was ready to put himself out there. And maybe making Steve jealous would help him get off his super-soldier ass. “I know this delightful young lady who enjoys long talks about physics.”

 

Tony blinked at her, confused. “…No?”  he tried hopefully, glancing at Bruce.

 

“I’ll set up the date,” Natasha informed him, and ignored the way he slumped in defeat against her.

 

Steve looked like he was trying not to implode. Barnes was clutching his shoulder.

 

Natasha waited until Tony was engrossed in the movie to stick her tongue out at them. Served Steve right for not making a move already. And served Barnes right for trying to come between them.

 

.-.-.-.

 

“How was your date with Angela?” Natasha asked, even though she already knew, because Angela had been texting her the whole time.

 

“It was fine. She was nice,” Tony said, undoing his tie. “She spent a lot of time texting though? Maybe I wasn’t interesting enough for her.”

 

“As it turns out, she’s actually a lesbian, so I’m sorry,” she informed him. “She’s deep in the closet because her parents are very religious. The vetting process will be more strenuous for your next date.”

 

Tony frowned at her, brows furrowing together. “You mean I have to go on another one of these awful things?”

 

Steve, who had been coming in to greet him, looked horrified. He did not save Tony by asking him out. Natasha was disappointed in him. He was so courageous everywhere but where it mattered. She might actually have to murder him just to put him out of his misery.

 

“What about if you go on a date with me, doll?” Barnes asked, swooping in. “I promise I’ll give you all my attention.” He yelped as the redhead suddenly lunged at him. “Natasha—”

 

“You’re ruining _everything!_ ” Natasha snarled, taking him to the ground and attempting to strangle him.

 

Steve squawked and hurried to pull her off of him. It was a struggle. She was made up of eighty percent rage.

 

Barnes scuttled out from under her, terrified, and went to hide behind Tony. “Help!”

 

Tony pulled his jacket off. “I’m mostly just impressed that you think I could stop her.”

 

“I’d throw you at her and make an escape.”

 

Natasha screeched and struggled against Steve harder. “COWARD!”

 

“Oh my God, Natasha, Tony and I are already dating!” Steve wailed. “Please, please, give us a chance to explain-! Don’t murder Bucky!”

 

Barnes screamed when she threw a knife at him and fled.

 

“Tony, help me!” Steve exclaimed as she began struggling harder in order to chase him down.

 

“No, I just went on the worst date ever,” Tony complained, picking up his jacket and tie. “He’s got a head start; just let her go.”

 

Natasha stumbled as she was let go, then took off after the other man at a sprint, screeching angrily. She couldn’t even feel happy about Steve and Tony already dating if he was just going to break them up.

 

.-.-.-.

 

Natasha took a sip of tea. Bruce had made it for her. She would back off of him for a while. She looked at Steve, Tony, and Barnes, who were sitting on the opposite side of the table from her. Tony was sipping his own tea. Steve and Barnes were wringing their hands.

 

Good. She always liked Tony best anyway. “Explain.”

 

“I… wanted to keep Tony to myself for a while,” Steve started, pressing his hands against the table so he would stop wringing them. “He’s so shy in the weirdest ways. I didn’t want the jokes to start with the team and have him pull away.”

 

Natasha could understand that, mostly. She had watched Tony blush and cover his cheeks in embarrassment when Clint praised him for improving in the kitchen. She narrowed her eyes at Barnes.

 

Barnes squeaked. “We’re negotiating a threesome!”

 

“Poly,” Tony cut in, making her hand stop halfway to the knife on her thigh. “We’re negotiating a poly relationship.” He smiled shyly into his cup. “Bucky _likes_ me.”

 

Natasha took a moment to just gaze at him fondly, happy for him. Then she slammed her empty cup on the table, making Steve and Bucky flinch. “If you hurt Tony, SHIELD will _never_ find you.”

 

Tony beamed at her, blushing lightly. “Usually it’s me that gets threatened!”

 

“You are delicate,” Natasha informed him. “I will crush anyone that hurts you.”

 

The brunet leaned his chin on his hands, leaning toward her. “That’s so terrifying!” he said cheerfully. “Thanks, Natasha!”

 

Steve stared at him with deep disappointment. “You’re not even going to defend me?”

 

“Why,” Tony asked with surprise. “Do you know how often someone’s on my side? Almost never.”

 

Barnes looked angry to hear this. Natasha decided to give him a chance.

 

Still, she stared at Barnes and lifted her hand, gripping it into a fist. “ _Crush_ you.”

 

Barnes appeared properly terrified.

 

“…I think you should set up Bruce and Pepper,” Tony chirped. “Now that you don’t have to worry about me and Steve.”

 

Natasha nodded sharply. Yes. That was a good idea. She would wait a few days before putting any plan into motion as thanks for tea.

 

“NO!” they heard shouted from the living room.

 

“You have no choice now,” Natasha informed him.


End file.
